"Do you want glass?"

E93: Less judgement, more ease — how to lower the stress of communicating with colleagues at work

© Le jardin secret, Marrakech // photo Eric Ho

“Do you want glass?”

The question was accompanied by a smile, but my brain was straining to understand what he meant.

I could tell he was new. He had been observing how the others approached the tables, hanging back a little.

The smile turned into an imploring look, and then I got it.

What he was asking was if I wanted ice for my drink.

Although he was speaking in English, I realised he had used the French word for ice: "glace."

As I tucked into a delicious seafood and avocado lunch at a restaurant in Marrakech, I noticed there was something mesmerising about this young trainee waiter that simply warmed my heart.

Like when he smiled after we cleared the confusion and said, “I’m improving my social skills and English – I will try harder!”

It was such a sweet, humble moment, and it got me thinking: how often do we try to neutralise the stress and friction from the way we speak to each other, especially at work?

The biggest source of stress at work

One of my clients – let's call her Jane – has been developing a business plan that she's pitching to senior management. 

I've been coaching and mentoring her on the kind of leadership and presence she needs to achieve the success she’s looking for in this high-pressured, excellence-is-taken-for-granted environment.

In a recent session, she shared a realisation that led to a big shift in the way she related to her colleagues:

“I realised a lot of the stress was coming from people.”

There are always going to be colleagues for whom every conversation is a drama. For others, they might conceal their reaction to what you say and bite their lip.

It could be a poor night's sleep, a fear, or some other emotion that's hijacked their desired response and turned it into an unpleasant monster that’s reared its ugly head in front of you. 

But at other times, we might be the trigger.

When conversations turn into conflict

While we can’t control someone else’s sleep patterns or emotional state, we can control how we communicate.

Have you noticed when someone starts speaking the moment they think they've figured out what you're going to say, before you've even finished?

That’s a sign they’ve been triggered.

This is when the rapid-fire ping-pong of less and less listening and more and more "Well, actually …" begins, creating stress, frustration, and even anger.

This ping-pong game destroys trust, heightens tension, and adds friction to our relationships.

Imagine if I had said to the trainee waiter, 

“You don’t understand English well.”

Do you notice yourself shifting uncomfortably in your chair? 

Well, that’s an example of a simple sentence that contains a whole dollop of judgement.

You wouldn’t say that to the waiter, and I wouldn’t say it to the waiter either. Yet in the workplace - and even at home - we often use language laced with judgments without even realising it. 

Judgments like these spark defensiveness and escalate conflict.

We can control how we communicate, and knowing we might be part of the trigger is powerful.

When we communicate with less judgement, we reduce stress, build trust, and create a more collaborative environment.

How do I communicate with less judgement?

One simple step is to focus on making observations instead of offering judgements.

When we offer judgments, we put someone else’s back up. 

Observations, on the other hand, keep tensions at bay; conversations stay neutral and factual.

Here are some examples of how to shift from judgement to observation. Imagine being on the receiving end of each statement - how would you feel?

• Judgement 💥 You were late!
  Observation 🎧 When you arrived at 9:05 a.m., I was worried the client would be annoyed.

• Judgement 💥 You always stop me speaking!
  Observation 🎧 When you spoke during my presentation, I was in the middle of finishing my point.

• Judgement 💥 You don’t care about this project!
  Observation 🎧 When the deadline passed without your input, I felt uncertain about your commitment.

Shifting from judgement to observation might seem minor, but it can have a profound effect on the quality of our relationships.

Judgments stir emotions, often leading to frustration or defensiveness. Observations, on the other hand, invite understanding.

They create space for more constructive conversations, reduce stress, and remove the friction that often builds up in communication.

A simple shift for effortless communication

So, the next time you feel yourself getting frustrated or about to say something laced with judgement, take a pause. 

Ask yourself:

Am I making a judgement, or simply stating an observation?

It’s a small shift, but one that can lead to major improvements in your work relationships and make life and leading feel more effortless.

👉 Over to you!

How might you incorporate this simple shift from casting judgement to stating an observation this week?

ps If you’re an entrepreneur, a lawyer or another high-flying professional - who’s looking to live and lead in a way that feels effortless, get in touch and let’s have a conversation.

That’s it for this week!

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To your health, joy, and success—one step at a time!

Eric