Effortless Thursdays #13: Lessons so far from my "2023 is the year of presence"

It's with those whom I love where my presence is challenging me most

Welcome to the six new subscribers to Effortless Thursdays who have joined over the past two weeks. I appreciate your time and your presence being here.

At the start of the year in Effortless Thursdays #4 , I invited you to choose something you wanted to focus on for 2023. Here’s the article I shared about how to do that.

Completing the sentence "2023 is the year of ..." was a tonic to a time that's awash with new year's resolutions. Resolutions, in my view, are set up for failure because for many of us, it's easy to start questioning ourselves when we’re off track.

Why am I lacking commitment?

What's happened to my ability?

Am I skilled enough for this?

And that quickly reduces our confidence that we can succeed.

Instead, the purpose of "2023 is the year of ..." is to notice, to observe, to hold that lightly. And then to reflect on what you notice over the year.

2023 is my year of presence.

So what have I noticed so far?

#1 Presence is a practice

I noticed earlier this week that I was feeling rather low. I noticed how I was less effusive and smiley. I was no less "me" or a different me. I was me, but I brought a different quality of presence on those days.

So I thought again about the ways in which I could bring back the effusive, smiley me, and these are some of the foundations for health that I practise to do that.

By the next day, I already felt more equanimity, calmness and a sense of spaciousness.

My presence waxes and wanes, but I can keep practising to improve the quality of my presence.

#2 It's really challenging to maintain my presence when my plans are disrupted by other people

It's like you're driving in your car following directions to your destination, and then your passenger reaches over to your steering wheel and turns you off at the wrong motorway junction without asking.

The Simpsons opening sequence when Maggie is taking control of the steering wheel

I've been experiencing that a lot lately.

• Commuting disrupted because of train strikes.

• The delays when builders moving on to another project before they've fully completed yours

These moments have diluted my presence in the moment.

First it's incredibly annoying.

Best laid plans momentarily get thrown up in the air. I've responded instinctively, internally, with anger and annoyance. I feel a sense of resignation - that gut punch of knowing that there's going to be a lot of bother coming up that could be avoided.

But as these moments have been quite frequent over the past several months, I've also noticed my ability to come back to presence more quickly, so that I can show up once again as the effortless version of myself.

Second, I've learned to free my hands from the steering wheel, holding it lightly while someone else takes me off at the wrong motorway junction. Rather than keeping my hands firmly on the wheel, trying to wrest back control, I can bring back my grip on the wheel later.

That has allowed me to stay more present, and to embrace annoyances like this with curiosity for what's going on for the others involved.

Like the builder who's not delivering as promised, but is also contending with health conditions that mean he's been in hospital for tests, and reacting to the news his father has six months left to live.

#3 Presence is easy with clients, but difficult with the people I love

This is one that has been frustrating me. It's something I want to keep my attention on and being curious about.

No matter how I'm feeling - low, tired, annoyed - I can show up to meetings with my clients with a deep presence.

I listen for what they're saying, for what they're not saying.

And yet for all the training I have over the years as in Positive Psychology, Motivational Interviewing and all the other tools I bring to my coaching, it's much harder to be present with the people I love.

Do you find that to be the case too?

Do you fall back into old patterns of conversation and reaction that are more difficult to shift out of?

Most of the time I can show up with presence, particularly if I'm adhering to the foundations for health. I notice I can choose how I respond (as opposed to reacting) much more easily particularly when I'm 85-95% on a paleo-template diet.

As a coach, I want my best for my clients, but I know - and am trained as a coach - not to be responsible for their outcomes. They have to put in the effort to change.

With those I love, perhaps there's less of that "distance", and the boundary is more blurred. Unlike how I've been trained as a coach, I find myself wanting to help, to fix.

Perhaps that's where my presence becomes more elusive.

Perhaps it's also that my dad has Parkinson's. His Parkinson’s is not severe, like for some. The progression seems to have slowed with his eating a paleo-template diet, working on his gut health, experimenting with getting better sleep and going once a week to the gym to cycle 4 miles and for me to take him through his weight lifting routine.

He seems to have more symptoms from his drugs than his condition.

Maybe it's that I feel much more viscerally the effort my mum and my dad are exerting. Living each day in a way that is not what they were expecting.

When I am present, I can tune out of their daily annoyances and frustrations that a couple who passed their golden wedding anniversary in 2021 go through.

Instead I see the care they have for each other. Their resilience. Their determination. Their bravery. Their ability - in the words of my school motto - to "faire sans dire".

Literally, "to speak without to say". In other words, they are amazing at getting on with it and not complaining, being stoical, moving forwards.

What I know - and what I strive to do - is to show up with my full presence.

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Over to you!

Some of you have already shared what you're focusing on in 2023:

• Connection

• Enjoyment

• Vitality

Thank you for sharing what you're focusing on.

I'm curious about what you're noticing so far.

Let me know!

If you have any reflections you’d like to share, email me, share your thoughts in the comments below, or reach out via Twitter or LinkedIn.

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What is coaching?

If you’ve wondered why there are so many coaches appearing everywhere all at once and how to discern the ones that you might benefit from, my friend, and fellow writer and coach, Rik van den Berg has a super interesting story.

My problem with coaching

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That’s it for this week!

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