Effortless Thursdays #17: SAVE don't praise
The authentic way to create close-knit relationships.
They all stood anxiously outside the family home, wondering - but without voicing - their concern in case it came true: had it reached the point where it was too dangerous to enter?
A young child of the family was still trapped inside, unable to escape because the route to her bedroom had been blocked off.
The helpless inevitability of what was to come brought a brutal reality to the sight of their house on fire.
The rest of the family had got out, but the fire had already engulfed the corridors of escape.
Then, all of a sudden, one of the firefighters rushed into the house. A few, almost-eternal moments later the firefighter emerged with the child, charcoal-charred skin, hair and clothes bedraggled.
"It was nothing. It's just my job!", the firefighter said afterwards to the parents who were soaked with the fuel of joy, relief and gratitude.
It's nothing!
Have you ever noticed how we downplay what we do?
Something that seems like a miracle to others is "just a job" or "nothing much".
It varies across cultures. British and Australian groups tend to have "tall poppy syndrome". Speaking out, or speaking about what you've achieved is often received with the need to cut you down and bring you back to size. It’s preferable to conform.
I remember many an occasion when answering a teacher's question at junior school would cause one of my classmates to call me "boffin". It was always a sarcastic compliment. I stopped answering. It was easier.
In the previous edition of Effortless Thursdays, I wrote about what we can do when we unwittingly fill our days with the negativity of everything that's going wrong.
One of the tips I shared to counter that was to call out someone else's strengths, their achievements, their values, or the effort they've put into something.
This edition is a deeper dive into it. It’s important because we often don’t recognise what’s already within us, so when someone calls it out, it makes us feel seen, connected and valued.
But there’s a way not to do it…
Praise is pathetic
When someone has done something well, do you notice what people say?
"Congratulations!"
"Well done!"
"Great job!"
I've noticed something that happens on LinkedIn, too. Someone posts this 👇 …
"I'm pleased to be starting a new role at ..."
… and the replies don't even need to be typed out, because there's a button with the auto-response.
More "Congratulations!".
Countless "Awesome"s.
Can you imagine if the designer of the modern Bramante staircase, Giuseppe Momo, had finished, and the Pope simply said "congratulations"?
These torrents of 'congratulations' and 'awesomes' are meaningless and empty, because everyone offers this to everyone else.
Pathetic, even.
SAVE-ing creates connection
What's missing from that empty praise is tapping into what's important: a person's intrinsic value and worth.
How can we do that?
By evoking the best in the people around you - your team, your friends, your family.
By getting out of their way: praise makes someone dependent on you. When you offer praise, the value someone sees in themselves is determined by you, not themselves. They might feel good because of something you've said. But what happens when you don't say it, or you’re not there to say it?
By witnessing what is already there.
We can SAVE them by speaking up about their:
Strengths
Achievements
Values
Effort
Strengths, Achievements, Values and Effort belong to your colleague. Your job is to call them out!
SAVE specifically
When you're SAVE-ing, it's important to be specific. You can speak up about one or more components of SAVE.
Let's take some examples.
John - your bum-sticking power [S] really shone through. You kept on going [E], and didn't give up [V/E], despite the challenging circumstances [A].
Laura - the leadership award you won [A] is a great acknowledgement of the trust [A/V] people have in you
Phil - every time you give a presentation[A], excellence [V] underpins it. It's really important to you [V].
Jo - you pulled out all the stops [S] speaking to our colleagues [E]. That wasn't easy given some of the characters.
Avoid more generic statements, like:
John, you were great.
Laura, your award was brilliant.
Phil, your presentation went well.
Jo, thanks for speaking to our colleagues.
Over to you!
How about experimenting with SAVE-ing rather than praising a colleague - or someone at home?
Observe the reaction on their face, in their body language. What do you notice?
If you're feeling cheeky, hold a longer moment of silence before you respond.
Sometimes hearing someone else highlight what's good about you can be disarming. Wait for two, or three or 10 seconds before saying anything in reply.
You might follow up with what they notice about the strength, achievement, value or effort you've highlighted.
Where else do you use your bum-sticking power?
What does the award mean to you?
Where else does excellence show up in your life?
When you pull out all the stops, what do you notice about those around you? What do you notice about yourself?
That’s it for this week!
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I can see the undeniable value of making the shift you're describing, but It would take me some practice to get out of the old habit. You have a knack for offering powerful distinctions [S], and you've done it again and again in your newsletters [A]. Clearly you are very optimistic about human potential [V], because you keep making the effort to lift us all up so we can be our best. [E]
Thanks Eric for sharing your 'make you stop and think' insights [S]. Seconding Rick and Silvio — it's not a helpful (cultural) approach, but one that's quick and communicates some acknowledgement, even if it's brief. Will defo take on the challenge :)