Effortless Thursdays #28: Stop swiping! Here's how to create real connection
Community. Ritual. Space.
How are your Daniel-san impersonations going?
Has your finger reached those Jedi-level wax-on, wax-off movements like Mr Miyagi taught in The Karate Kid?
Swiping left when we don’t like someone on a dating app. Swiping right to watch the Instagram reel again. Swiping up with boredom over another next LinkedIn tip.
We’re born to seek out connection with others. Some of you might be more introverted or extroverted in how you do that. But this swiping seeps into our ‘in–real-life’ lives too.
We are impatient when “that” colleague goes on and on: SWIPE!
We don’t agree with a protestor blocking roads: SWIPE!
We get home and we SWIPE the people closest to us.
Swiping is so easy, but much like hyperpalatable, ultra-processed food products - they are not good for us because they fail to nourish us properly. And so we crave more of what we really need.
Creating deep connection can be easy when we stop swiping.
This week, Effortless Thursdays is about how you can stop swiping and start creating deep connections instead.
Connecting on top of Scafell Pike
Last week when I took a break from sending you words and sent you some pictures instead, I was with three friends I met at law school in 1998.
Even though we live across the Atlantic from each other, the connection we had nurtured before came back straight away.
There was a connection to nature – being in a stunning natural landscape.
We scaled the highest peak in England, Scafell Pike.
Going up via a gulley known as The Lord’s Rake. (It looks steeper than it seems)
👆 Here’s a video of us on The Lord’s Rake panning across to Scafell Pike
And then ascended another gully above that 👇
We swam in Loughrigg Tarn.
There was laughter. And there was the gut-wrenching overcoming of our fear of heights. I couldn’t conceal my own fear and disappointment when my navigation went awry and we had to descend an unfamiliar route (plus extra 250 metres) to then climb up another 400 metres to get to our summit at Scafell Pike.
But we weren’t only connecting with each other and nature. It was an opportunity to connect with our own selves. One of the themes that comes up with the professionals and creative entrepreneurs I coach is that our conversations afford space in their full lives to catch what’s going on, to reflect, and to decide.
This weekend was our opportunity to think for ourselves about what’s important: eating and exercising for lifespan and healthspan, resetting our nervous systems by being outdoors, and boosting our immune systems with sunlight-derived Vitamin D.
Of course, there was lots of banter, summer BBQ music playlists from the 80s, heated debate about the best series on TV. And an enriching debate about the benefits and downsides of Brexit.
Three ingredients to creating connection
Connection is easy when you’re in good company because three essential ingredients are present.
First, there's community. We all felt part of our own tribe. It’s not an exclusive one: each of us belongs to many tribes and communities online and in the real world. It’s the common purpose and values of the four of us that bring us together.
Second, there's ritual. Getting together by hiking in nature, going for a drink or a meal - there's a ritual in reconnecting all of these. Just like a dog wagging its tail effusively when seeing its owner again.
Third, there’s space for deep connection, a place where we can be ourselves and express our emotions.
This last one is the most important and - perhaps especially with men - the most neglected and difficult to cultivate. But it’s this one that opens up the space for our mental health and how we want to show up in the world.
You know you’re in a space that allows for a deeper connection when there is:
Presence - we're listening actively and not being distracted - eg by our devices
Permission - we're explicitly allowing people to express what they are feeling
Safety - when we share what’s on our mind, we’re not interrupted, or subject to judgement from others.
What to do when creating connection is hard
The long weekend with my friends was deeply connecting, even after years of not being altogether in the same place at the same time. All those ingredients for connection - community, ritual and space - were present.
Having a space with presence, permission and safety allowed us to talk about some of the chronic conditions we were facing in our own health, how to challenge long-standing misconceptions about what is healthy (seed oils, porridge and cereals) and what is not (saturated fat, eggs and red meat). It’s a connection that is devoid of complaining Karens or naysaying critics.
If you think about the times when creating connection with someone has been hard, like having to have a challenging conversation with someone at work, or trying to fix a troubled relationship at home, it’s likely that one or more of the ingredients for connection is missing.
The colleague at work feels like an outsider because they’ve just joined the organisation.
A team member wanting to suggest a new strategy in a meeting, but the space for discussion lacks safety and is full of judgement - whether perceived or not.
At home, when you have a tricky talk about finances, the moment you start saying how it’s affecting you, the rug of permission gets pulled from under your feet and you see your loved one with their face lit up by their device. They’re swiping.
You might not even be creating the rituals, like regular meetings, to check in on what’s going on and what’s important for those around you.
Being aware of what’s missing can shine a light on the strategy that can fix it. I’ll come back to share my ideas on how you can create the ingredients for connection. I’ll update this edition of Effortless Thursdays, and let you know.
A key to creating connection more easily
But in the meantime, here’s a thought.
And this is for those of you who are in a position of leadership or where others look to you for guidance.
The time when you’re not present, or there’s a lack of permission, or someone isn’t feeling safe is down to your nervous system not being in a state of flow and relaxedness. Instead, you’re feeling reactive, you’re impatient, and you snap at people in a way that takes even you by surprise.
If your nervous system is out of whack, even if we’ve come up with good strategies for creating connection, they’re going to be many multiples more difficult to implement if you’re in a state of sympathetic overwhelm.
So what can you do to calm your nervous system?
The first port of call that I always turn to is what I eat - and more importantly, what I don’t eat.
That’s why if you want to lead well, it’s important to eat well. How we show up in the world - and our ability to tap into the tools and skills we have to connect, to understand, to be empathetic - is grounded in how calm our nervous system is. And what we eat creates the foundations for that. You can find out more about that here. 👇
To Lead Well, Eat Well
If you want to build strong, deep connections as a leader you need to eat well. As a shy introvert, it took me longer than most to realise that creating a connection with others is key to being a great leader. But it took me even longer to realise that when we pay attention to what we eat by giving our brain the right fuel:
Over to you!
What do you notice when you’re with friends, family or colleagues with whom you get on well? How many of the ingredients for deep connection are present?
When you’re finding connection more difficult to create, what happens then? Are any of the ingredients missing? What is stopping you from fixing it? Is it not knowing which ingredient is missing? Is it not being able to come up with a strategy? Or do you have a strategy but your nervous system impedes you from progress?
I’d love to hear what your experience is.
That’s it for this week!
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To your health and success!
This is too true. We depend too much on this mindless swiping through everything on our mobile. I didn't miss it when I was busy learning something new that will enhance me today. Perhaps, that's the question we need to ask ourselves when we mindlessly roam through the digital (metaverse )world.
Incredible photos. I had no idea when you said "hike" last week this is what you meant. I really like the Presence, Permission, Safety trio. I made me think that the very context of nature is a great way to set a foundation for all of those things as all those elements abound, unless you're climbing mountains! Then the safety element isn't quite as predominant, but in terms of human relationship, sharing an intentional danger is ironically a kind of emotional safety between people.