Effortless Thursdays #31: The worlds we create
Your words transform the people around you
I had lunch today with a friend of mine, Debbie.
In her previous career, she was a tax advisor, spending time bringing to life what would send most people to sleep. She’s now a psychotherapeutic counsellor helping people struggling with anxiety, low self-esteem and difficult relationships, or when they’re feeling stuck in their lives.
Most of us would do well having a Debbie in our lives.
As the sun streamed through the tall windows of our dining space, the conversations we had in the past about the projects we worked on and how they could be achieved given the tax, legal and regulatory landscapes, turned to the words we use in our current work.
I’ve always been fascinated by words, ever since a stand-in teacher at school opened my eyes at the age of seven by telling me my name in Russian: Эрик
Words create worlds
Words can create worlds …
… of barriers that separate us:
in grief, we struggle to find the right words to convey our sorrow, empathy and sympathy
in anger, we wordsmith our insults to maximum effect: “Not even a child would do what you did!”
… of rituals:
like the reading out aloud of Grace when I dined at Formal Hall during my undergraduate years reading law at St John’s College, Cambridge. We were lucky to have a three-course candle-lit meal each night, if we wanted, for something that cost less than cooking for myself from scratch.
This is the Grace before dinner commences:
“Oculi omnium in te sperant, Domine, et tu das illis cibum in tempore, aperis manum tuam, et imples omne animal benedictione. Benedic, Domine, nos et dona tua, quae de tua largitate sumus sumpturi, et concede ut illis salubriter nutriti, tibi debitum obsequium praestare valeamus, per Jesum Christum Dominum nostrum.”
The eyes of all wait upon thee, O Lord: and thou givest them their meat in due season. Thou openest thine hand: and fillest all things living with plenteousness. Bless us, O Lord, and these thy gifts which out of thine abundance we are about to receive, and grant that by their saving nourishment we may have power to fulfill the obedience due to thee, through Jesus Christ our Lord.'
… of order and certainty:
in the agreements that bind us to promises we willingly make to each other, whether in an agreement for the sale of a car, or an agreement to marry.
Isn’t it incredible that these vibrations of air that waft towards us shape the way we see the world around us?
Words make us think and feel and behave in different ways. We can just as easily create a world with words that push us apart, as we can a world that brings us together.
As the best copywriters and propagandists know, words are an invitation to believe a compelling story.
Words that transform
There’s something even more powerful in the work Debbie and I do as a therapist and a coach: the power of our words to transform people.
One of the best examples of this I have come across comes from the founder of Motivational Interviewing, Professor Stephen Rollnick. He used five words that transformed his patient.
He tells the story of a patient whose life was burdened with Type 1 diabetes, substance dependence and a host of other social and personal issues.
This man was about to lose his leg because he was chain smoking and using drugs. but one day, he bumped into Stephen and said, “Steve, I’ve quit one of those drugs.”
Professor Rollnick was surprised at what had caused this man to make such a significant change in his life.
“It was something you said”.
So what was it that this man had remembered Professor Rollnick saying to him? What words had caused him to quit taking one of the drugs?
After a difficult, problem-riddled session, they had both stood up at the end and the patient had straightened his suit. Professor Rollnick had noticed he was always beautifully dressed with a walking stick that he had carved himself, and said:
“You are a dignified person”.
Five words vibrating the air.
Five words that carried an idea of hope, of recognition, of possibility.
As I heard Professor Rollnick recount this tale, he spoke of this man realising his own dignity and how his situation was not going to get him down: he was going to do something about his life.
From this conversation, Professor Rollnick developed affirmations, one of the key tools in Motivational Interviewing.
What’s exciting for me about this story is that you already have the words you can use to transform - to affirm - the people around you, too.
Affirm the people around you
Research shows that giving affirmations to an individual increases their "change talk". This is the language we listen out for in Motivational Interviewing that indicates when an individual is on the path of achieving the change they want.
So what are affirmations?
Affirmations are a statement about an individual's strengths, achievements, values or effort.
"You persevered with grace with that client, even though they were impatient."
"You lifted the team's spirits with your joke."
"You went above and beyond to cover for your colleague when she was looking after her relative"
"You are a dignified person."
Over to you!
Affirmations when given and received create powerful connections between human beings - whether in your team, with friends, or your family.
How do you best use them?
Keep them short and succinct.
Aim to give them orally, rather than in writing.
Offering them in a team / public setting will help encourage others to do the same.
You’ll know if they land with someone because you’ll hear someone say or notice:
“Oh, I hadn’t seen that for myself!”
“I feel connection"
I’d love to hear what affirmations have impacted the people in your lives: your team, your colleagues, your loved ones.
That’s it for this week!
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To your health and success!
What a deeply moving story about Professor Rollnick. I have an older son and daughter who no longer live with me, but my 13-year-old son still does. I was thinking yesterday about how it won't be long before he too is out on his own, and sat down to tell him how much I appreciate him and love having him around. I'm sometimes amazed when I see the effects of affirmation on others why I don't offer it more often. Especially to those close to me. And by the way, I'm sure you already know that you are really good at doing this, affirming others. I share the wonder of how the world is formed around our enunciated air.
What a powerful piece about just how powerful affirmations can be. They really are one of the best communication tools, with other people and within yourself. Thanks for sharing this Eric. From our conversations, you are also wonderful at affirming people you talk to.