Complaining: the joy destroyer
E91: Uncovering the needs beneath the noise
You know the type, don’t you?
These are the people that suck the joy out of everything.
They complain about everything.
For lawyers it can be a frequent reality like hurricanes over the Indian Ocean.
Complaints come from clients.
“Why haven’t you sent out the agreement yet?”
Complaints come from your team.
“He claims credit for everything I do, and everyone thinks he’s amazing”.
Complaints come from you, too.
Why does he still think he should be able to take his holiday, when everyone else has cancelled theirs for this important deal?
What’s the story?
When someone’s complaining - whoever it is - it’s easy to be taken in by the story that’s on the surface.
It’s a story of what’s wrong, but within that story lies the potential for transformation. Instead of getting stuck in the endless laundry list of complaints, imagine the benefits of identifying and addressing the true needs behind them in the story underneath.
That’s where the real opportunity lies — discovering what is needed instead and finding solutions that can turn complaints into positive action.
When a client asks “Why haven’t you sent the agreement out yet?”, what you might need from your client is:
communication (if they’ve brought forward a deadline without sufficient notice) or
understanding (if you and the team have been working late every night this week).
When someone in your team is at the coffee machine whingeing about John taking credit for what they’ve done, they might need:
integrity (applying values and principles in a professional environment is important) or
fairness (it’s a team effort after all)
When you’re muttering to yourself about the lack of commitment of someone in your team because they want to go on holiday when your deal is really busy, what you might need is:
reliability (we’re in this together, and someone not pulling their weight is a problem)
On the other hand, what they might need is
fairness (if they’re the only one in the team who’s cancelled their last two holidays already)
When you pay attention to story underneath
When you focus on the story underneath - what’s needed - you unlock powerful motivators. Instead of getting bogged down by complaints, you gain:
hope - it’s often easy to find a strategy to satisfy needs that are unmet
a feeling of competence at being good at doing something - coming up with ideas for what is needed
a feeling of autonomy - you regain the freedom to make your own choices by focusing on what’s in your control - what’s needed - rather than what’s not - the complaining.
a feeling of relatedness - when you feel more connected and cared for by others. When you’re able to meet your needs and the needs of someone else, it brings you closer together.
And guess what?
The happiest and most motivated people are those that feel three things the most: autonomy, competence and relatedness. By addressing the true needs beneath complaints, you can foster these feelings in yourself and others.
That’s what the researchers Edward Deci and Richard Ryan tell us about Self-Determination Theory - or what motivates us humans.
When my clients pay attention to what they need
When my clients begin to pay attention to what they truly need, rather than just what’s wrong, they often find surprising solutions.
One of my clients has been going through a big change in their life. A major transition point from a corporate career in the C-Suite to not knowing what to do next.
The surface stories were full of “complaints”: I always sweat the small stuff. Will I have enough money? Why do I always care so much about what people think about me?
But we listened to the story underneath.
“I really want more joy”.
This client needed joy.
How did this client create more joy? That was easy. They created a long list of how they were going to go about it within about 5 minutes.
Here are some of those ideas:
Living abroad for a while
Being with people and creating deep relationships
Focusing on being more independent
Living in alignment with their values
👉 Over to you!
Imagine how much more fulfilling your work and relationships could be if you focused on the story underneath, rather than getting swept up in the hurricane of complaints.
If you find yourself complaining, ask yourself “What do I need?”
If you hear someone complaining, ask yourself “What do they need?” Then, consider how you might help them meet those needs to create a more positive and productive environment.
If you want to find out how to identify your needs, take a look at what I wrote in edition 85: Seriously, what do you really need right now?👇
ps If you’re an entrepreneur, a lawyer or another high-flying professional - who’s looking to pause when you most need it to live and lead in a way that feels effortless, get in touch and let’s have a conversation.
That’s it for this week!
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To your health, joy, and success—one step at a time!
Eric
