Effortless Thursdays #14: Love (thyself) at work: the kinder path to success
When there's a certain kind of love in the room, you can soar
Do you love yourself at work?
Oh. Don't shy away from this question.
Not just yet, anyway!
It's a serious question!
Can I invite you to notice what you're feeling right now - is it awkwardness? perhaps surprise? or WTF? - and slow down for a moment to pause?
Love at work might be uncommon, but it is important. Not only because it nourishes you, but also because it helps you flourish on your own path to success.
It's not egotistical love
Loving yourself in some cultural contexts brings with it a sense of ego.
In leaders with a big ego, it's an adulatory love: a kind of love that's almost expected, rather than earned.
It's the kind of love that allows a leader to get away with behaviour that makes colleagues talk about your organisation in "they" terms, rather than "we".
That kind of love is toxic.
I'm sure you know someone who barks at others and gets away with it.
[Side thought: It's interesting using the word "bark" to describe someone who shouts and screams to get their way. Dogs do that when they're threatened. What might a work colleague be in fear of when they bark at you?]
Philautia
The ancient Greeks had many words to describe different types of love.
Philautia is self-love.
When you read that, perhaps you're importing the modern day meaning of self-love into your understanding: narcissistic, selfish, someone stuck on themselves.
No, the self-love of philautia is not negative or unhealthy. It's the love that is necessary to be able to give to others, and receive from them.
You might recognise this as self-compassion. Just as you might show affection, kindness and love to another person, you can also show the same to yourself.
What if there is love in the room?
One of my clients is a high-flying entrepreneur. She gives talks in front of audiences that would make most speakers crumble in a heap of nervousness: captains of industry; entrepreneurs who already have multiple successful exits, hungry for their next opportunity.
She's given these types of talks many times over. And yet there's a recurring thought she has when she's asked (again) if she would be available to give another talk. The thought?
A sense of not being enough.
Not big enough
Not experienced enough
Not worthy enough
"What if there is love in the room?", I asked.
There was a smile. A shift. A realisation.
Instead of a feeling of disenfranchisement, that she shouldn't be in the room, what emerged instead was a sense of belonging, and of the appreciation of the room that's she's experienced before - and could experience again, and again, and again.
How is kindness relevant to effective leadership?
"Organisations that value kindness will come through a crisis more successfully"
This is one of the insights from a survey, "Kind leadership during a crisis and beyond" that's been carried out by a collaboration between Saïd Business School, Kindness & Leadership Leading Lights, and Hall & Partners.
In the words of one of the 50 Leading Lights in the UK for Kindness & Leadership from 2021:
"Without kindness, you will never fully know or understand the issues and concerns impacting individual or collective morale or be able to use the opportunities afforded to you by leadership positions to do what you can to address them. Now, more than ever, people are looking for honest, open and empathetic communication and I think that comes naturally from a place of care and concern for those working with you."
That individual is my husband, Andrew Jenkinson, of whom I'm very proud.
Imagine how kindness in a crisis, like COVID-19, can transform your leadership, and what others think about how you show up for them?
In a round of layoffs during the next recession
When you’re working with your team to save the company from a takeover, or collapse
When you’re looking to retain the talent in your team
How do you access your kindness at work for your productivity and success?
In the Pioneers Programme for Effortless Leadership I'm running, we're now into our final six weeks of the programme. The last two modules are about the third pillar of Effortless Leadership: discovering the capacity to connect.
When we have days full of commitments, obligations and demands, it's easy to become disconnected - from ourselves, and from others.
It's a source of stress and a hindrance to performance - and happiness.
Kindness struggles to emerge from these kinds of days.
The participants on the Pioneers Programme are learning how to build health-first foundations so they can show up are the leaders they want to be, with:
vitality
resilience
presence
compassion
drive
Having health-first foundations makes it easier for leaders to tap into their kindness because they're not caught up in their daily frustrations, brain fog or tiredness.
In other words, they're able to show up in a way that is effortless.
As one of the participants observed:
Connections, self awareness and health leads to effortless leadership.
If I obtain the pillars of health I can attain everything else.
The power of kindness is also why I've invited Laura Gilchrist - who has over 20 years of experience in resolving conflict and helping people change - to run a workshop on kindness, why it's the untapped tool for productivity and success at work, and how to harness it.
Over to you!
How are you bringing love into your room?
Do you need to tone down your egotistical love and dial up your philautia?
Love is an uncommon topic for the workplace, so I'd love to hear your experiences.
If you have any insights or ideas you’d like to share, email me, share your thoughts in the comments below, or reach out via Twitter or LinkedIn.
That’s it for this week!
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I clicked through to Andrew's profile on the "leading lights" site. His mini-interview there is well worth reading. Like the courage you're demonstrating to put the words "love" "work" and "self" together in a single sentence, Andrew's suggestion that we have a "pastoral" role in each other's lives is really inspiring. This is for sure a sea change that can no longer be ignored. Humans aren't going to keep going to work at places where they are not received in their humanness.