Effortless Thursdays #21: Who do you want to be?
Transforming your identity + What is Effortless Leadership?
Last Friday I had a discussion with the “Coaching Transformation Group”. It’s a mastermind group of coaches who meet regularly to discuss how we can become better coaches.
The topic this time was how we support clients working on changing their identity. In practical terms, this means going from thinking “I can't …” or “I'm not good at …” to having clarity about who you want to be.
Who do you want to be – as a leader, as a parent, as a partner?
Who (and how) do you want to be?
It’s tempting to phrase the question like this: “who do you want to be?”.
But it only gets us halfway there. If we say we want to be “an inspirational leader / loving parent / a present partner”, what does that mean in reality?
These labels are mental shortcut definitions to help us call up – in an instant – who we want to be. The one I call up is an “Effortless Leader”.
But it’s important to understand what we mean when we say that. How others relate to us is a function of how we show up in the world - not only through what we do but also through the presence we convey and our ways of being. You might want to make tough decisions, but how are you handling them: with grace and patience, or impatient frustration?
A client of mine has been encountering some obstacles to his getting a promotion. As we’ve been working on overcoming this, I thought I would share with you three insights I’ve distilled to help you if you’re looking to stay true to the person you are and how you want to show up in the world.
1. Be clear (and flexible) about your destination and set your course
If all you’re doing on a hike is going up, you might find that you’ve reached a summit that you hadn’t planned on scaling.
So it’s important to have an end goal in mind. But you don’t need to define it with a high degree of precision. Flexibility is key here. Just as you might start heading towards one summit, it’s also ok to be half way up and take the other path to another summit.
👋 Over to you!
To ensure you’re still heading up the right path, you can ask yourself along the way:
Does this summit still align with what’s important to me?
Is there any conflict with my values?
Is this path still meeting my most important needs?
2. Claim your identity
Changing our identity is often stymied when we get in our own way.
Firstly, we're influenced by others – by what society or our cultural upbringing says we should do, or what the organisation or our colleagues expect from us. It’s easy for us to tune into these voices and treat them as evidence of how we can’t change.
Secondly, we are also influenced by the stories that we tell ourselves. You’ll notice those if you listen out when you say to yourself “I can’t … ” or “I’m not good at ….”.
Or you might play down your achievements if you experience tall poppy syndrome. Even if everyone around you says you’re a great leader, somehow you don’t see yourself as one.
There's an inflexion point in going from our identity in the present tense to one in the future. It involves exploring our attitudes, beliefs and assumptions.
👋 Over to you!
What are the attitudes, beliefs and assumptions you have about your future self?
Which ones are true?
Which ones are simply stories you are telling yourself?
3. Cultivate an environment for success
The environment we immerse ourselves in is key to our transformation. If you want to lose weight, it’s pretty difficult to do that if your friends and family hang out at fast food outlets all the time.
Resistance is (almost) futile.
👋 Over to you!
So, ask yourself: who are you surrounding yourself with?
Are they naysayers or supporters?
Do they have your back, or do they want to stab you in the back?
What is Effortless Leadership
So this has been a little while in the making and long overdue. But as I was finishing up my Pioneers Programme (first cohort) of Effortless Leadership for Lawyers last week, it was time to distil what Effortless Leadership is and - if you’re interested - what it might look like for you.
My hope is that the destination and the path of Effortless Leadership are a useful framework for you. It will evolve, and in the meantime, I would love to hear your thoughts on it.
That’s it for this week!
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To your health and success!
Eric, Great meeting you today. Thank you for the contribution to me in our breakout session.
This passage especially resonated with me "Secondly, we are also influenced by the stories that we tell ourselves." I've been committed to intentional development over the past two decades and the biggest realization I had early on, was the 'subconscious' stories we are always telling ourselves. They run in the background of our minds continuously. Becoming aware of them is paramount and then working with them, overriding them with new stories takes considerable work and practice. As you expressed, if you don't ever become aware, it's hard, if not impossible, to transform yourself.
I look forward to reading more of your work. Thank you.
Cheers James! Yeh those stories are like the din a crowd makes. They’re they’re but we don’t hear really what’s being said until we start tuning in!