Effortless Thursdays #30: Be radical. Be yourself.

Give your stories the love they deserve

Cairn near Helvellyn, Lake District National Park

I'm terrible at football.

The last time I played football was with my law school football team. Two minutes into a practice match, I was dribbling the ball down the side, and someone came in to tackle me. His elbow met my face.

I came off the pitch with a bloodied nose. My nose was (fortunately) still intact. But my pride was wounded.

I think it was probably that moment when I gave up entertaining the thought of playing football for fun.

So as I sat in the National Theatre in London earlier this week to watch a play about football, I wondered what I could expect beyond distant memories of a bloody nose.

This week’s Effortless Thursdays is about how we - yes that includes you - can change more than we can imagine when we are radical and be ourselves. Because when we do that, the story about ourselves starts to change. Our true story emerges. The one that’s worth fighting for.

Bringing love into the changing room

Dear England takes a look at why the England football team has not won since 1966. Having notched up the worst track record for penalties in the world, we get a glimpse of what it takes Gareth Southgate, the England manager since 2016, to help his nation's team win.

The seeds of change are sown when Southgate, played by Joseph Fiennes, turns away from the traditional way of winning matches - focusing on the strength and skills on the pitch - and brings love into the changing room and into the minds of his players.

Yup. Love.

Cut to Pippa Grange, a psychologist, who was appointed The Football Association's Head of People and Team Development in November 2017. She helped the players unshackle themselves from one of the biggest fears facing the England team. 

It was a fear that came true for Southgate himself when he missed during the penalty shoot-out of the 1996 Euro Championships semi-finals. England were knocked out, and Germany went on to win.

That fear? Acting out the story that “England always loses penalty shoot-outs” and thereby letting down millions of fans rooting for The Three Lions. 

These stories we tell ourselves - like the millions of fans in those nail-biting penalty shoot-outs thinking “Oh, he’s going to miss again” - are hard to shrug off. 

Not only does it take away our focus from what’s important - scoring goals - but it highlights a lack of faith - both collective and individual - we have in ourselves.

We are convinced more by how people think we will fail than by the story about how we can succeed.

That new story is ours to write.

Rewriting our story

There's a sweet, awkward moment as the stories the teammates tell themselves start to change when Pippa hands out small coloured notebooks and invites each of the players to jot down their feelings, what they're struggling with, what they're noticing. And then share it with a teammate. 

The looks of incredulity on the players' faces were priceless. Whether that happened in real life is anyone's guess.

But what you see unfold is a team that - though sharing their emotions and what they needed - built trust with each other. 

In short, they had a love for each other - and expressed it. And it showed up as:

• Care - they looked out for each other, like when Raheem Sterling and Jude Bellingham were hurled "monkey" slurs in the stadium in Budapest as they led England to a 4-0 win against Hungary in the 2022 World Cup qualifier.

• Teamwork - bringing the team's hearts together to make something greater than any one of them could achieve alone.

• Pride - they're humble and proud of what they stand for.

“It’s a profound privilege. Don’t forget, many of our lads started out at Football League clubs like Barnsley, MK Dons and Sheffield United. Their backgrounds are humble. For them to make it to this point as one of the chosen few in England’s history … well, it simply doesn't happen without pride.” - Gareth Southgate

What comes with that kind of love is the ability to believe a new story. Not one that’s written by fans or critics. But one that they write themselves and can believe in.

Southgate helped each player re-write their own story, and the collective story for the nation. You could call it rallying the team around a bold purpose and vision: despite the pattern of history, England could win.

And, as history unfolded, Southgate managed to break the history records, and England started winning penalty shoot-outs again.

Writing your story

Q: If you offered yourself a little more love, what new story could you write about yourself?

Q: If the people around you showed you a little more love, what might be possible that seems out of reach now?

Q: What is the story you write if it’s about who you are, not what you or others think you should be.

One of the joys I experience working with leaders in the professions and creative entrepreneurs is helping them re-write their own stories.

From “I’m not qualified for that job” to “I went for the top job and got it”

From “I’ve failed because I had to take time out to recover from burnout” to “I’m back working in the job I love and am thriving”

I love helping clients invite into their lives the possibility of seeing themselves in a new way. To invite new reflection and new insight.

It's not about the kind of mind manifestations where you’re promised something if you simply keep thinking it: stories that are impossible or improbable are not worth pursuing. 

For example, I will never be a professional footballer, no matter how many times I write that story.

But after years of thinking they were losers, the England team wrote a different story about themselves. One they could believe in, and one that fans have seen in the live games, too.

Over to you!

Friends, what is the story you want to write for yourself?

If you’re inspired and would like to explore the kind of story you could be writing for yourself, drop me an email, or set up a 20-minute call with me. 

Moments in the play when I raised my eyebrows (no spoilers)

1. The best impersonation of the England captain, Harry Kane, by Will Close - if you don't see the play, he gave a rendition during an appearance on The Newsagents podcast.

2. How impressed I was by Joseph Fiennes's skill in stepping into the role of Gareth Southgate so convincingly. I saw him most recently in the TV series as Commander Fred Waterford in the TV series The Handmaid's Tale. Not once did I think Commander Fred Waterford was on stage.

James Graham is an accomplished political playwright. In Dear England, he explores one of the biggest challenges facing some of the players: the racial abuse of the England players. That I haven’t touched on this and some of the other topics in the play is not because they are not important. Rather it’s an invitation to you to explore more. And the place I would encourage you to start is Southgate’s “Dear England” letter. 

It is a moving read about race, belonging, respect and creating a different story about what England means.

That’s it for this week!

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To your health and success!