Effortless Thursdays #48: Is your success making you lonely?
To all heart-centred leaders who are tired of existing in a mist of loneliness
My heart broke a little when I read this message from a friend last week who reads Effortless Thursdays reader and is a highly successful entrepreneur:
"It’s very lonely out here. And hard to justify making time when you are working 90-hour weeks with teenage kids."
That message was in response to this past edition 👇
It took me by surprise, and got me thinking about the pangs of loneliness I've experienced the more successful and more senior I became in my legal career.
Pretence
Part of the challenge I faced was being promoted for my technical capability but feeling out of my depth to manage and lead other people.
I don't blame anyone: organisations are much better nowadays at providing useful, practical tools for leadership. But I was living under the pretence that promotion meant I was automatically equipped for each new leadership role.
Perhaps the pretence had origins in my school motto:
“Faire sans Dire”
Literally translated it means “to do without to say”. In other words, get on with it. Don’t seek praise or glory. Don’t fuss. Just press on.
Perhaps somehow I had subconsciously interpreted the French saying as “Don’t ask for help”.
The problem with the pretence is that it's difficult to admit that you can't or aren't good at something. After all, as a subject matter expert, the currency of success is all about being knowledgeable and having the answers. Especially in a profession like law. Yet with that pretence comes a professional loneliness of not having someone to turn to for help.
Even when we have access to tools for leadership development, success can still feel lonely.
Promotions
There's that odd way in which each time you step up a rank in an organisation, there's another change in who uses pronouns to talk about you. You go from hearing about what "we" are doing to not hearing anything at all. You've somehow migrated to exist in the other realm of "they".
You're in a different tribe now. You’re no longer part of us!
You try to rationalise that it's only your role and your new three-letter C-titles after your name that have changed. Yet others who call you "they" now see you differently.
There's a small piece of you, too - something deep inside your heart - the part of you that felt a sense of belonging has disappeared.
Who to trust?
When you're sitting in an executive committee meeting, who can you now turn to to sense check your intuition on a major turning point for your company? Turning to your fellow executives - in many unenlightened organisations - is to hand them ammunition to use against you when they plot your future downfall.
No time
Entrepreneurship, as my friend has experienced, can also be lonely when you don't have the time to make 30 hours fit into the 24 we've been given.
Who can help with your sleep, your prioritisation, your performance, and how you show up for your teams, how you lead your business through the turmoil of change?
All of that is even before you think about how you spend time with those you care about the most at home.
Over to you!
Next week I want to share some ideas about how to overcome the loneliness that comes with success.
So I want to do something different this week.
1. I would love to hear from you about what you do to overcome your loneliness.
2. I want to hear from you about what makes you feel lonely the more successful you become.
I'll, of course, maintain your confidence, if you decide not to post publicly. Please reach out to me directly by email, on Twitter / X or on LinkedIn.
I’d like to encourage you to share your ideas by offering an observation about how loneliness has changed for me.
Although my role now as an entrepreneur does not involve managing large teams as I have done in the past, I don't feel lonely.
One of the reasons is each of you who takes the time to read Effortless Thursdays (316 at the last count).
I've noticed many of you taking the time to respond by email, in the comments or by direct messaging on LinkedIn or X.
I love the ideas you share, and the inspiration you provide me, and I am grateful for your support and thoughtfulness about the perspectives I share with you.
Next week I want to honour your wisdom by sharing your experiences and knowledge.
Thank you for being part of this - nay, our - tribe!
ps If you’re an entrepreneur, a lawyer or another high-flying professional - who might be feeling lonely at the top - and want someone to help you connect your ideas in creative ways so you can build a healthy brain for a career that’s full of success and joy and feels effortless, get in touch and let’s have a conversation.
That’s it for this week!
As always, I appreciate your feedback on Effortless Thursdays.
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To your health and success!
Eric
