Three gifts even Jamie Dornan would give
E55: A gift for yourself, one someone else, and one for your world.
Last Friday evening, I was sitting in front of the TV with the fireplace crackling away, tuning in to an episode of The Graham Norton Show
I don't usually watch TV, but with a star-studded line-up including the tantalising Jamie Dornan (who was brilliant as the serial killer in the TV series, The Fall, trying to outwit the detective played by Gillian Anderson), I couldn't miss it.
At one point, Graham asked Jamie if he was a bit "grinchy" about Christmas.
Jamie replied that Christmas is about kids and giving stuff to people who need it, but
"Grown-ups exchanging gifts is stupid!"
You can watch that moment here 34 minutes and 53 seconds in.
Well, I agree with Jamie! Even if retailers at this time of the year might not!
But I guess it's easy to agree with someone who can be as lusciously convincing a serial killer as he is as Christian Grey, the sadist, billionaire tease.
However, there are gifts that are not stupid to give at this time of the year.
Here are the three gifts that I invite you to share as 2023 draws to a close: One for yourself, one for someone else, and one for the world around you.
Happy Christmas - and happy holidays - however you're celebrating at this time of year.
One gift for yourself: explore your disconnection
Our brains are wired to spot threats. It's how we have been so successful in evolutionary terms at survival.
But when we're starting a new job, or have just secured a promotion, or even been laid off from work, our survival instincts can unsettle us.
We start ruminating about the "what ifs?". Especially what can go wrong when we're thinking about a future that is uncertain.
And yet, as Joseph Campbell said,
“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.”
When we're experiencing difficult emotions or big transitions in our lives, it's easy to avoid what's going on.
We distract ourselves - with TV, or with alcohol or drugs.
We ignore what's difficult by filling our quiet spaces with long to-do lists.
But in fact taking the time and space to explore our challenging emotions, to understand the disconnection between what we want and our current reality reveals the treasure.
One of my clients realised recently how profound the benefit of turning towards our disconnection and our difficult emotions can be:
Exploring disconnection "drastically increases the likelihood of me actually taking positive actions over the next couple of weeks versus getting into bad habits. And that incrementally makes a big difference to the way I live my life in a positive way."
How can we do this?
We sit with our feelings, notice them, and name them.
Here's a four-step framework you can try to go from anxiety to equanmity.
And here's a way to name, tame and reframe your challenging emotions, like when some annoying colleagues (or family members) are pressing your buttons!
One gift for someone else: your presence
When you're sitting around the Christmas dinner table, there are so many things to distract you.
What food to choose? Which drink to have? Which vegetables to avoid? What's popping up on WhatsApp?
It’s often said that "To pay attention is an act of love"
One of the best gifts you can give to someone is your presence. To give them your full attention.
Turn off your phone and put it away out of reach and out of sight. That last bit is essential. Even phones that are switched off, but within our field of vision, create a distraction because we just can't resist thinking about what notifications have popped up.
Look at the person you're talking to, and turn off your peripheral vision. Our eyes speak as much as our words. Looking away like a dog that's seen a squirrel takes you away from being present.
Listen for understanding, rather than to reply. Most people do not listen with the intent to learn or to understand. Instead, they listen with the intention of replying. Most lawyers, including me before I learned about this, are like this because they know the answers even before the question has finished! You don't need to prepare to speak. Pause, and give yourself a second before you respond.
One gift for the world: choose the seeds you’re watering
Your thoughts, your beliefs and your actions have the power to shape your reality.
How you choose to think, believe and act determines the experience you have day to day, moment to moment.
But your thoughts, beliefs and actions also impact the world around you.
Jim Rohn said,
"You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with."
When you're with other people, you are one of those five people, influencing their thinking, their beliefs, and their actions.
You, dear reader, possess many wonderful qualities.
Ones like joy, happiness and curiosity.
You also possess ones like hatred, fear and anger.
These qualities are like seeds.
“Though I do not believe that a plant will spring up where no seed has been, I have great faith in a seed. Convince me that you have a seed there, and I am prepared to expect wonders.” ― Henry David Thoreau
Clients often say to me that I help them simplify. It's probably the quality that leaves the biggest impact on my clients, friends, and family.
That simplicity allows them to create their worlds full of wonder, health and success.
Which seeds are you choosing to water?
Over to you
What gifts do you need to give to yourself, someone else, and the world around you?
ps If you’re an entrepreneur, a lawyer or another high-flying professional - who’s looking to bring joy back into your work and home life - by building a healthy brain for a career that’s full of success in a way that feels effortless, get in touch and let’s have a conversation.
That’s it for this week!
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To your health and success!
Eric
“choose the seeds you’re watering” is the message I needed to hear today
What a wonderful post Eric. One of my favorites of your's so far. A very unique and useful framework for considering gift-giving at this time of year. I'm going to bring your perspective to a family gathering for our shared discussion. As for me, the seeds I'm choosing to water in 2024 are the spoken stories of others, and the value of those stories being shared in the world.