We are islands, but we don't need to be

E81: How to create instant trust and connection by avoiding small talk, and embracing deep talk

Keith Ferrazzi, author of the classic business book ‘Never Eat Alone’ was going to be in London on 14 June, and I received an invitation to join for dinner.  Three weeks ago, I hadn't heard about Keith. 

It's a book that's about networking, but in a way that - in my words - doesn't feel icky because it’s building relationships from a place of generosity.

So on Friday night, as I left the throng of t-shirt clad tourists in Covent Garden traipsing around in the summer heat, I entered a private dining room with nine strangers for dinner.

As an introvert-leaning ambivert, I felt some fear joining the dinner. What would I say? What topics should I ask about? I hate small talk and would much rather be at home learning Spanish than awkwardly searching for something to say next.

Dinner began.

And within five minutes, ten strangers all felt a deep connection. Instantly. 

Forget small talk: aim for deep talk

Emotional contagion is the phenomenon where someone's emotions and behaviours lead to similar emotions and behaviours in those around them, creating a ripple effect. 

You might also have heard that process referred to as co-regulation, something I wrote about in edition 73. The idea I was sharing there is that when you show up with joy, others want to, too. 👇

 As humans, we're hardwired to notice vulnerability, and the more our emotions are expressed the more emotional contagion occurs.

So what happens when we express our vulnerability?

Trust is created.

I once heard Liane Davey, a psychologist who helps teams work together, say:

"Trust is the willingness to be vulnerable"

The flip side of that is vulnerability creates trust. 

And trust creates connection.

And that's exactly what we experienced at the dinner.

Ten strangers opened up to each other: we shared stories about the divorces we were going through, the cancer scares our loved ones had endured, the "What next?" moments when an unblemished career starts seeing some blemishes appearing.

We listened to our challenges, our dreams, our pain, and our love.

Our willingness and vulnerability to share what was deep down below the surface level created a trust and connection that I've only ever experienced with one person at a time. 

To experience this at a dinner party was nothing short of astounding.

Why is deep talk so difficult?

Fear.

Our emotions kicks in and we fear being vulnerable, we fear expressing the full trueness of ourselves.

It's understandable, especially in a more formal workplace environment where a senior leader might say: 

"Do we really need to hear Jack share what's going on in his life right now?"

They might not even say it, but you'll spot it in their body language when the corner of their mouth purses slightly as it they were saying those words out aloud.

The irony is that Jack is attempting to create trust and connection by being vulnerable, but it’s the senior leader's words and micro expressions that destroy the trust and connection by taking away the space for vulnerability to be present.

How do we create trust and connection?

The Friday night dinner happened because Keith is spearheading a new programme called Beyond Connections. It's putting Keith's ideas for networking - to create success, one relationship at a time - into a system that - in my words - is fun and easy.

I've joined the programme as both a coach and a participant. Here's what I've learned so far about creating that deep trust and connection.

Share the sour (and maybe the sweet)

1. Share with someone a challenge, difficulty, or something that’s not going well in your life – a "sour" in your life.

2. You go first and you go deep. 

• At the Friday night dinner, Keith started. I'm not going to share what Keith mentioned for confidentiality, but he shared something that was intimately personal about his private life.

• Remember, when you go deep, it allows everyone else to go deep and - like the game of 'pass the parcel' - creates emotional contagion for everyone following to go deep too.

• When it was my turn, I shared with these strangers about my dad's experience of Parkinson's disease and the role my mum has caring for him. 

3. It's ok to share a "sweet" too, something that's going well or making you happy.

• But don't dwell too long on it. Spend more time - or all the time, as happened in our Friday night dinner - on the sour. It's the sour that creates connection.

As Simon, one of the participants in the Beyond Connections programme said after the dinner: 

"Everybody's life is not that different after all. We're all going through some different things. And sometimes we're little islands. And actually, when we talk to each other and share it, we realise that people care and it's genuine. And that's a wonderful thing."

👉 Over to you!

One of the ways we can experience life and leadership in a way that feels effortless is to enhance our ability to connect to ourselves and to others.

You might be thinking that you couldn't share a sour at work.

You might have the fear I had before the dinner.

I invite you to try it out.

As the participants on the Beyond Connections programme have experienced as C-Suite leaders, expressing their own vulnerability at the start of a meeting and inviting others to do the same, creates immediate trust and connection.

What might be possible for you if you were to share your sour?

ps If you’re an entrepreneur, a lawyer or another high-flying professional - who’s looking to connect with your optimal health and walk with courage into work and life in a way that feels effortless, get in touch and let’s have a conversation.

That’s it for this week!

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To your health and success!

Eric